Let Them Find Their Own Consequences

Finding something you really don’t want to see when you are digging deep to find it, will hurt you. Giving unsolicited advice in a forceful manner will burn you. Theyโ€™re not good risks and not worth it. Seeking pain, diligently seeking what you don’t want to find, finding it then ridiculing the beholder of it. I don’t want to find poop on the bottom of my shoes so I steer clear of piles of poop. If I choose to walk through a field of someone else’s poop there is a chance I will step in it and I really don’t want to get someone else’s poop on my shoes. I certainly do not reprimand someone else for the color, shape, size, or smell of their poop, I don’t have time for that, I have my own poop to work through. The same with someone else’s personal business, I do not go traipsing through peoples personal junk and I certainly don’t tell people what they should be doing to learn lessons, its none of my business even it is my own child.
I adopted the practice of staying out of others personal business and refraining from giving unsolicited advice, and wow, what rich relationships I have cultivated. Abiding by this practice was difficult when my daughter was a young teen just budding into her own individualism and testing boundaries. Instead of telling her what I believed she โ€˜neededโ€™ to do to be successful, I let her find her own consequences. She would not learn by hearing her mothers stories of struggle and adversity, she needed to live through her own struggles to truly learn lessons. As a typical teen would do she tested the waters of curiosity but almost drown. It was a scary time in my parenting because I saw behaviors in my child I had never seen before.
During these struggles of will I never found myself go through her personal belongings, I always respected the boundaries of her space and she knew that. I did believe, had I invaded upon her space I would have found evidence to further make me more disgruntled. The lack of my going behind her back kept our relationship honest, it kept her feeling safe, that I respected her personal space. It gave her freedom to know she was not being invaded upon.
However, I did tell her if she gave me reasons to look for evidence of drug, alcohol, food, sex, or any physical self destructive abuse/disorder then I would certainly intervene and snoop. I did find that her behaviors were normal, nothing out of the ordinary for a teen who had lived with common adversities. Come to find out she was far ahead of the curve, beyond where she should have been. If she was processing in a non typical fashion, it was on the upside of the curve. She was moving beyond her adversities and blocks at an accelerated pace. She was digging herself out of her typical teen, self induced collapse and learning her own lessons.
Now, she is an independent woman who finds comfort in expressing with her mother her hopes and dreams, ups and downs, goals and visions. The topics that are presented in our conversations are those of a great depth and vulnerability. The greatest strengths of my relationship with my daughter are the patience, the gentle honesty and the transparency we share with one another. I never want her to feel judged or pressured by her mother and she works at giving me the respect of honoring my individualism. We see one another’s quirks and negative patterns in behaviors but know those characteristics are what make us human. To err is to be human. To truly learn and feel complete about our learning process we need to work through our own adversities without constant reminders from others about our mistakes.

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